So this is what it initiated - putting words to my thoughts - my feelings - to Jennifer, and below, my prayer request and prayer...
i'm out of sorts. yes. in a no - capital - letter kind of way.
nothing feels like it's me. nothing genuine. nothing real. not at home in my own shoes.
my faith is real. strong.
it feels that the rest of my real life needs to catch up. like i'm wearing rose colored glasses and nothing is as real as my faith. i can't trust any of it.
i don't want to decorate for Christmas. something is missing - but it's LESS - not more. somehow the real was covered up in the remnants of moving boxes and newsprint paper and bubble wrap, and it's not been unpacked yet. i know it's here somewhere, but i can't seem to find it. can't seem to remember what i'm looking for.
i'm grateful for where we are. thankful for this house - not - yet - a - home. i don't long to be anywhere else. no place more. no place feels like home to me.
i feel unsettled.
and perhaps i'm not supposed to feel settled in, even though boxes are unpacked and coats hung in the closets.
perhaps my making memories here has nothing to do with making it feel like home.
i'm not quite sure how to capture that feeling. how to create it. i only know that it's happened on it's own, much sooner than this in the past… but somehow, i've run out of "home" in my heart.
so i'll just keep focusing towards heaven, trusting and KNOWING that THAT is where heaven is. and trusting His timing on when we will all be there.
what a day that will be.
so pray for me? please?
and until then i'll keep praying and encouraging others, right where THEY are…
Lord, You alone are the keeper of my home in heaven. Even if I get comfortable here, please let me always long to be with You more.
I'm reminded of a pastor once who said if we thought heaven contained all the things we loved most here on earth - all the material comforts, all our idols (tv, tech stuff, hobbies, etc) but didn't contain You, would we still go? Or if we knew none of our comforts and idols were there, and we ONLY had You - would we still go? Lord, let me only desire You. Let YOU be my focus. My passion. My contentment.
And bring to pass this feeling of restlessness, only if it's Your will… for if You can use it to draw others closer to You, let me suffer proudly in it. Let me grow into it… and closer to You. Use anything in my life to make me more like You.
Let me love You wholly. Undeterred. Uninterrupted. Not holding anything back.
I am Yours.