We move from this place a week from tomorrow; 8 days from now we hope to be rolling in to KY and seeing all that fescue growing green on the hills. No more of this Bermuda (ick), and our life starts over (again) in the smallness of a 2br/1ba apartment.
But today, on the phone, we hit a wall. For the first time I spoke my fears out in the open to him, and he responded with "we don't HAVE to go...".
A pregnant pause ensued with every ounce of my being wondering what the heck was going on here. My mind raced as to all the pro's and con's to making this move. I uttered a prayer under my breath - Lord let me HEAR You!
But silence responded. Not a peep. I know we're supposed to go because of the doors He opened, the doors He closed. Not even reminding him of the reasons he didn't want that job before (a year ago, before we moved here) mattered. It's all boiling down to being home most every night. Being in a place of ministry TOGETHER. Building community that will build us up too, and support us - and not tear us apart or beat us down. Being a couple.
But those moments come. And go. And I might not ever feel like this was a right or wrong move.
How do you know?
This place I've spent SO much time alone in has grown on me...yet he reminded me that because of the unexpected demands of the job here, he's not had much time here - at HOME - at all. It barely feels like home to him. He's lived more nights in the hotel in Pine Bluff than here. Yet when he walked into the new job place - it WAS going home to him - because he had spent nearly 3 years going there daily. Every day. No weekends off except vacation time and exceptions, and it scares me to know that he's walking into that again - with more responsibility now - and I have to make another home for me... hopefully not the apartment for very long, but if so - God equip me to do that!!
Perhaps our idea of home will always look different, and we'll just have to find a place to be together between them... for this missionary in a chicken plant (him) and the writer (me)...
|The view from the dining table, windows open, sorting paperwork, enjoying the fountain sounds...|