OK, my timer is set.....GO
What I see greatly influences what I feel, and what I think. Lately it's been overwhelming me, and I admit, I feel like I've allowed my vision of the physical hit my vision of the spiritual and over come it.
I wake up and see a HUGE mess, MY mess, in my room. Lately it's this disassembling of these boxes of stuff (pretty boxes of useful stuff) that doesn't get used. I need the white space, and after 2 years in this home, am determined to paint my bedroom. To paint it means the boxes and shelves have to go. I also want to get rid of the guilt of not using this STUFF. Crafty, artsy, wonderful tools of things I don't have time for now. STUFF that came from what once was my craft room, and now houses my daughter and son in law and their 5 month old son. More important than a craft room. So to the garage in boxes it must go.
In my house I am not SEEing what I want to SEE. I used to be efficient in keeping a clean house, but that was before a family of 6 moved in with me. So now, I see diapers, wipes, blankets and toys strewn about. Somehow, this little house has been overtaken. I keep reminding me that I'm making memories, it's only a short season in this LONG LIFE to live all together.
OK...I've got to finish my train of thought for the rest of my blog...
I've allowed the visual, what I SEE, take away the JOY of my family living with me. I am having to remind myself that it's not MY home, it's His. Always has been. The too big fancy one's and the little country shacks - all provided by Him, all belong to Him. And lately I've been allowing myself to justify my bad attitude and get really possessive of my space. OUCH. It really hit me in this season of "he didn't get the job" when the reality of it all was that I was looking for an excuse to get out. get away. be released from this madness of "here".
A year or so ago Mark and I listened to the book "Radical" on cd on a long car trip. We digested and wholly agreed that we wanted to live a radical life. Back then, somehow it was easy... and lately I've been really LAZY to slip into this life mindset of entitlement that's SO wrong. (sorry God...and sorry family...as I've sinned).
I really DO love the opportunity to get to live with my kids during this season!! I LOVE making memories with my grandkids, feeding into their faith and playing with them on the floor. I LOVE taking walks with them and sharing my love of plants, God's creation with them. I'm not crazy about all the 2 and 3 year old attitude, but I love getting to pray with them, FOR them, and KNOW that I'm getting to shape their lives and their faith. I KNOW that they will always remember that at this time of life, I wanted them to live here, and remember my own grandma living with me and my parents back in the day. I want them to think of me in a kind and loving way....and that's not how I've been lately!! YIPES!! I want them to SEE me differently, and I still have time to change that (I hope).
I've given up on housekeeping, and I need to be an active part of that again, no matter how many times we pick toys up off the floor. I need to take charge of creating this sanctuary in our bedroom, make it a place of refuge for Mark and I (even if we CAN hear the kids in the living room) and I need to remember that this is not forever. It's a season. If it lasts another year, we will survive!! We are getting to witness a season that not many others get to live - and I want to be on the other side of it with tears of sorrow as they leave!! I want to have a heart full of memories we've made on our hands and knees. I want to have FUN with those grandkids, and be proud of my daughter and son in law that they were able to humble themselves and ask to live with us - I know it's not easy on them either, the whole shared house thing...
SO, I'm asking you to pray for me. That God would continue to change my heart back to desiring RADICAL living, that I'll continually humble myself and be a servant (and not a master), and that I'll keep this life in perspective, choosing to desire to be living the life that HE has set before me....to SEE what He wants me to see and not what I think I deserve to see.