late night thoughts...

WOW, what a week. since coming back to the U.S. i've thought of things that happened in North Africa, and tried to figure out why i wasn't longing to be back there...i fully expected to leave a part of my heart there, and knew it would be "common" to think that "this is the place God wants me to be" - but it never happened. i love the field, love the people working there, the people living there. i know the needs - the short window of time to get work done there, to spread the gospel, to tell others about Jesus. i know it all, but it doesn't click. the passion for Jesus is there, but the passion for that place is not. He wants me to stay here (or somewhere else that He hasn't shown me yet).

so, content with being here, i'm totally shocked with the doors He's opening in my life. i've never felt so driven and bold to walk in discipline. i know it's all about the love, grace, mercy - but for me - right now it's all about being obedient. not in a "hell, fire and damnation" kind of way - but in a "God said it so i'm going to live it" way. i want to speak truth (in love), walk straight forward and cut to the chase in teaching. don't make it watered down and easy to swallow - i want to hear it straight from the Bible - the words that Jesus spoke or others wrote unapologetically - and let them seer my ears, and burn into my heart and mind. i want to write them on the doorposts of my house, and want to declare myself a bond-servant of Jesus Christ; willingly putting myself in a posture of servanthood to Him and His purposes.

how brave of me.

and then i crumble, from this place forward. i cry for a friend who has lost a child, too young to be born. i cry for the daughter's of another friend as she battles cancer at too young an age. i cry for my own memories and HIStory that has too many times that i've stepped away from Him, my battered mind and body not understanding the true love of His that He gives me freely, His mercies new every morning.

i read, re-read, try to memorize His words, think on things worthy of thought, and struggle with the thought that He chose me to do His will. i am mesmerized by the thought of a love so strong that it captures my actions and thoughts in my own dreams. how can He love like this, and how can i learn to love like He loves. with abandon.

sigh. i pray that others get it. that this oddity, this boldness that i don't want to come off as self-confidence but only confidence in Him, that in my weakness He is made strong, is only Christ in me. weak little me. uncoordinated and unloved for so long me. ungifted before He gifted me, me. that my purpose in life was not to be a great thinker, a great writer or a great artist, but a great follower. a great servant. i want to be the soft clay that can be made into other things as He wills, over and over again. i want to be the worker in the fields ripe with wheat, whether the field is in my back yard, or the world wide web.

i don't want to speak (or write) words that make others THINK. i want to speak and write words that make people GO and DO. i want to go and do too...carrying the banner...

i want to hate sin, even in my own life, my own mind, my own body - and yet love the sinner - even if it's me. i want to be an instrument of peace, not political peace, but peace of mind for the restless, holding their hand as they reach out to touch the hem of the garment that my Savior wears. i want to believe, and rest in the knowledge that HE LIVES. i want to sing myself to sleep with the words of great hymns, instilling peace in my heart, my mind, my soul.

is this what He wants? i want to know that. so Jesus, make my steps Your steps, make my words Your own. Own me. push all of me out, until i only care about the things You do. only love like You love. only see like You see. let me hear the cries of those that You have a broken heart for, and let my heart break for them too.

consume me God. burn within me. wash over me. sing through me.