Tuesday, November 20, 2007

A new day...an old activity...

I don't know what makes the difference...is it really just a matter of putting things on the calendar that makes me feel better? Whatever it is, I'm grateful to have the cloud of depression lifting...a few things that I'm sure have helped:
1. Prayer (I probably don't need to put down anything else, but I'm sure that some of you are skeptics....so I'll put the other practical things down too...) God is SO good.
2. Sunshine (and getting my face, no SPF, out in it!)
3. Volunteering (ok, you need to read more to get the whole picture on this one)
4. Sleeping well...quantity AND quality!

On the volunteering thing...it's not just about getting involved with a group that takes me out of my circumstances, to see that there are others in need, etc, but also the physical thing of getting dressed up, getting out of the house, and coming into contact with other people. It's about having things to look forward to, putting things on a calendar and planning, and being a part of a bigger thing.

So, today I went to the Cox Monett Auxiliary Luncheon! I was involved with them for about 3 years (about 5 years ago), and had remembered how nice it was there (how nice most of the people were too) and the fun things we did while there. I usually volunteered in the gift shop, and my old day was available, so I snagged that up. :) I'll also train to work in the other areas (Info desk, etc) and get involved in a few new things that are coming up....things like a patient lending library, and a POP Cart (Pampering Our Patients).

It felt good to be there again, and I saw many new faces...which is always great. I look forward to getting in the shop and wrapping gifts up for all the folks (and there are a LOT of cute things in there...of course!!) and making balloon bouquets for the patrons too. If you are in the area, stop in and make a big, tax free purchase!!

Jason's not arrived home yet, but he might be going straight to work when he gets in town...I sort of feel out of the loop on it...but I'm not worried. We'll take him to dinner tonight to celebrate his birthday, and I'm sure he'll just slip into the work/eat/sleep schedule like he never left....time will tell...

I'm going to get outside and practice some of that sunshine (as prescribed above) while I can...

Monday, November 19, 2007

It started 20 years ago ...












20 years ago, NOW, I was giving birth to Jason!! I can hardly believe that the time has flown by so quickly...

He was SO laid back, even from birth. He was a good baby, the BEST eater, and besides the bad bouts of ear infections, upper respiratory infections (now I think asthma too) and a major allergic drug reaction, he was pretty healthy for most of his young life. Gosh, it sounds like a lot to put it all on paper...but he was a rough and tumble boy.

He split my lip open on more than one occasion...Mark taught him to "head butt" and forgot to teach him not to do it to mom...LOL.

I don't think he ever had stitches, but broke his arm from getting thrown from a horse! He broke it again a few years later (the other one?? a different spot??) but I can't remember how. Probably during some sporting event...that would be par for his course.

Jason's been such a joy in life. I wanted a son SO badly, and I admit, I wanted him to be a "momma's boy" in every sense of the word. For the most part, he was, except when it came to sports, where he followed his dad's lead by being VERY athletic, and succeeding in EVERY sport he tried. He didn't get that from me!!

So, today he turns 20...and I am so proud of all he has accomplished in his life already...and so excited for all his life has to hold in the future!!
From GA to MO, deep Mexico to Kenya, may you always seek after God and the things that please Him...
Happy Birthday Jason!!

Friday, November 16, 2007

On Depression and Missing Loved Ones

It started in the bathtub...I had seen something the other day that just REALLY bugged me, and I remembered in the the tub last night....a church marquee that said "Too blessed to be depressed!". OOOOhhhhh.....they REALLY have NO CLUE what depression is about, do they?? Grrr...
So for all my depressed friends, Christian or otherwise, please forgive them...they really don't mean to be so...well...mean.
For all my Christian friends who are NOT depressed (blessed, or otherwise), please understand...depressed people do not feel that they are not blessed...it's so much different than that. They/I/we (yes, I've had my share of seasons in severe depression...) KNOW that there are so many things to be thankful for, that we ARE blessed, that we are LOVED, that we matter to God. The problem is, in our minds, it makes no difference at all.
At times, it's like a wet blanket that covers us, and we can not get it off of us, no matter how hard we try. Everything is slower, in slow motion, with this gloom that just hangs over us. Sometimes it's that WE don't care, and WE can't help it. Sometimes it's like being submerged in water...drowning....we can see it's daylight out...a BRIGHT sunny day!! We know we have that last breath of air in our lungs, fresh clean air. However, knowing that, and being able to take a breath of the air out there, is two different things....we can't get through the water for the air. That's how this week has been for me.
I could make a list a mile long for all the things I'm thankful for. Things as simple as a good home, healthy family, clean drinking water and indoor plumbing! However the things that loom in my mind get the best of me...and there's not enough room to write all those things down, and I refuse to go there besides in prayer...but none the less...it's a season of depression for me.

I think I knew it would be hard this winter, but I had no idea it would be THIS hard. Missing Jessica is crazy. I'm worried (no, concerned, as I know there's nothing I can do for them) about my other kiddos, and then the normal depleted sunlight and colder weather just make me normally want to hunker down with some good, white dough carbs and call it a siesta...hibernation is here. *sigh*

Oh, don't worry, I don't have the guts (literally or figuratively) to call it quits...but it has occurred to me that this is WAY too much pain to be feeling for the normal happy person. Tears come too easy....about everything. ABOUT ANYTHING. And I'm in a constant discussion with God, so I can't draw any closer to Him...He's here, with me, walking me through this muck and mire. I can rest in His arms and hear His heart beating....I'm clinging to him so much lately.

So don't go throwing some "too blessed to be depressed" crud at me....you just have NO idea. you are completely clueless. get some compassion...or empathy...or drugs...whatever you need to get educated on what depression is really like. period.

On other topics...oh, I LOVE the new word I learned from the Dec. Reader's Digest Word Power: "bobo n - A: online posting error. B: bourgeois bohemian. C: devoted friend. (turn page) bobo - [B] Person who espouses bohemian values while living a bourgeois lifestyle. The road was lined with the luxury cars of bobos buying organic produce." HA!! I know a few of these!! I'm RELATED to a few too!!

On missing Jessica...after taking care of Kelsey for a few days (well, overnight and a day), I missed Jessica more...in a different way. I really miss Jess. I miss her 2 ways (at least) often. One way is that I miss my friend...the one who would sit and craft with me, listen and share opinions, encouragement, laughs...really connect with me. The one I missed more this week is "Jessica the child" that I will never get back...the fact that she grew up. I think that's the normal "empty nesting" of missing a child...I miss her not cuddling up on the couch with me; needing me to "rub her arm, her back, her face" to fall asleep; the wonder of her imagination and curiosity....THAT Jessica will not ever be back. *sigh* What the heck do I do with that?? Get a puppy again (GASP, NO, I did NOT just say that).

The adult Jessica I miss would be pulling the decorations out of the boxes right now, insisting on decorating (i.e.: it's what she did LAST year when I was too depressed to care about decorating). She'd have the recipe box torn apart, with a list of all the cookies we'll bake this year (with a few new one's I'm sure). She'd have the weather reports scouted daily looking for snow (well, she may be doing that at home, although I know she got a bit of sun the other day as she sat outside during the sports day competitions there). She'd cry with me when I cry, get out White Christmas to watch with me on a quiet morning, talk about watching Little Women, Anne of Green Gables, and any other old movie from her childhood. She'd coax me out for a walk. Hug me. Hug me again. Dry my tears. Pray for me. WITH me. *sigh*

It's clearly time for another bath and a nap...

Romans 12, Parts 2 and 3: Balanced and Beautiful in Christ

The new posts that I wrote for Balanced and Beautiful in Christ are now live on their Facebook page, and here on my new blog site (subscrib...